I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
