You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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