I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
