whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
