me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
