So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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