for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
