Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
where does the pee come out of this thing
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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