you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
