a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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