my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
