Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I look better un-naked...
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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