Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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