How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
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