Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
