i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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