turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
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