Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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