Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
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I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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