Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
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