Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
