: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
