If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
