You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
honey bunches of taint.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
My vagina is very pro this idea
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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