I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
