remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
