Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
