If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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