I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
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His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
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She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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