You work out of a Hotel?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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