I puked a lego.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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