Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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