last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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