Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
