you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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