Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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