he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
