i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
