You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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