We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Randomize
