Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
