she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
