I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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