I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
