The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
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The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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