You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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