dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
She told me I should be a condom model.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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