history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
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