Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Randomize
