Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
