There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
FUCK WHALES
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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