I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
