I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Randomize
