We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
