i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Randomize
